I have been told my whole life that I have a big ego, and I am at a point in my life where I absolutely agree with people who tell me that. Growing up it was a major issue, as I exhibited pretty much every symptom of "having an ego" of which you can think. I bragged about myself. If someone else was complimented I felt the need to prove I was better. I moped after losses. Heck, I moped after making a singular out in an at-bat.
This was pretty much my modus operandi until sophomore year of college, when I realized how awful I was and slowly started to work my way toward a more respectable and healthy outlook on life. Going to college made me realize there were a lot of people better than me at pretty much everything I had previously hung my hat on. I slowly worked my way to the other end of the spectrum. I expected almost nothing from myself. I began to lose interest in competition, because why try if you might just lose? I tried to be as humble as possible and brush off compliments instead of basking in them as I used to, or even just appreciating them like a normal person.
The last couple of years I've spent a lot of time reading performance psychology books and thinking about my mindset. What follows is what I have concluded about myself.
The Problem with Humility
I really didn't like being humble. I've put a lot of work into my pursuits over the years and to just brush it off as if it's nothing irks me. As Jon Bellion says in his song Adult Swim: "For me to fake humble's a corny way to be arrogant." Being humble about your skills is not necessarily a virtue. Being realistic about your skills is far more important. There's no reason not to acknowledge and give yourself credit for what you have worked hard to develop.
As described in the book Bounce by Matthew Syed, there is no such thing as natural talent. Everyone who seems naturally talented is really just implementing higher quality practice, helping them advance faster than others. Nobody achieves a high level of proficiency without the standard 10,000 hours of practice. I was trying to find a way to allow myself to be proud of what I've done without being obnoxious about it to others. I also needed a way to compete hard without being negatively affected by failure. I realized the reason I reacted so strongly to losing was because my self-worth was tied to my ego. I ended up forming the ego-self and the true-self without realizing it, and am only now putting words to it.
Two Selves in Parallel
I have two simultaneous programs running in my brain pretty much at all times. They are somewhat conflicting sentiments and it takes a bit of cognitive dissonance to truly commit to this mode of thinking. They are the ego-self and the true-self.
The ego-self is the guy that makes people's eyes roll. I believe I'm really good at a lot of things. I believe I'm an elite spikeball player. I believe I'm the best foosball player in the world. Am I the best outfielder in the Cincinnati Adult Baseball League? If you ask the ego-self I certainly am.
The true-self is the more honest version of myself in relation to the rest of the world. None of the things I listed above are true. And that's ok, but it's not gonna stop part of me from believing it.
The only time a large ego holds you back is when your self-worth is tied to your ego-self.
In that instance, every time you can't fulfill the expectations of the ego your self-worth suffers. If, instead, you tie your self-worth to the true-self, you create a mental interstitial space to progress within. Holding both thoughts in my head allows me to progress without negative judgment. You strive to fulfill your ego-self, but when you inevitably fall short it has no effect on your self-worth. There's very little negative self-talk, because the true-self expects to be beaten sometimes. The ego-self does not, so I look for reasons why I lost. The true-self keeps the analytical channel clear of doubt and negative self-talk. It allows me to see improvement and take small wins from overall losses, because the loss itself is not the main focus.
Switching Between Modes
The real trick is being able to switch between operating within the ego-self and the true-self. In an ideal world, any time I am competing the ego-self comes to the forefront. A strong ego-self forms a "why not me?" mentality. If I were to be facing an actual professional foosball player, of course it would be absurd to believe I will win. But at the same time, why not? I only have to beat them this time. They could beat me the other 99 times but why couldn't I beat them once?
My batting average says I get a hit one out of every three at-bats. But I don't go up to the plate after getting a hit thinking "that's it for the game, I've reached my average." Why not believe I can get a hit every time I go to the plate?
However, as soon as the competition ends, we must let the true-self take the reins, win or lose. Remaining in the ego-self is when unsportsmanlike conduct comes out to play. On the other hand, competing in the true-self dulls the competitive edge. If we think "it's ok to lose sometimes," then we aren't striving to maximize the skills we have spent time developing.
Again, the cognitive dissonance comes into play here. When the true-self takes back over, the belief that I'm the best foosball player in the world still exists. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence, the belief is still there. But — I just lost at foosball. How can that be? If I lost at foosball, then there must be a fixable reason for it. If I played up to my ego-self's expectations I wouldn't have lost. Having your self-worth tied to the true-self makes the loss more of a curiosity than a devastating blow. I can now start to figure out what area of my game is holding me back from my potential. Having the ego-self gives you something to strive for.
The Tell: Making Excuses
One significant indicator of having a strong true-self / weak ego-self combo is the tendency to make excuses. The true-self is a logical operator, and can always find reasons that you lost. There are almost always good reasons for a failure, and I think at times you need those excuses to protect yourself. But if you start to rely on those excuses every time you fail, complacency sets in. It's really ok to lose, because it's never your fault.
A strong ego-self is crucial for success because losing has to sting enough to override the true-self's logic. At some point you have to pick apart those excuses and figure out what you can do to control them. Having a strong ego-self forces you to take ownership of the situation instead of riding the true-self's flow. The weak true-self / strong ego-self combo looks a lot like what I described in my opening paragraph. Also not an avenue toward success.
Keeping the True-Self Accurate
The most important part of the true-self is that it is accurate. It takes honest self-reflection and discussion with others to achieve this accuracy. If your true-self is inflated, then your self-worth can be affected too easily by failing to meet those standards. Progression is stunted because you stop believing in yourself, and avoid failure. If you have too low a view of yourself, then there is no bedrock for improvement and you run the risk of falling complacent. If you always meet your true-self's expectations, then it's not an accurate view of yourself. Sometimes you have to truly fail (not just fail the ego-self) to keep an accurate true-self. And that certainly does hurt, because it affects the self-worth.
Another key feature is that it is a shifting image. It requires upkeep to remain grounded in reality. You improve at some skills and allow others to fall by the wayside, and the true-self must be updated to match.
Why Not You?
Achieving balance and the ability to shift between the true-self and the ego-self is a difficult skill. You can approach from either side of the spectrum. I grew up with a fairly nonexistent true-self. With great effort and time, I eventually swung too far the other way and fell into complacency. Progression comes slowly if there's no pressure to improve. Being in the true-self allowed me to see what my goals truly were, but I needed the ego-self to move me toward them. The ego-self provides the audacity to push past the true-self's reason and logic.
To develop an ego-self (aka an ego) requires the setting of goals. You have to give yourself something to strive for that you care about. As discussed in With Winning in Mind by Larry Bassham, these goals shouldn't be thought about as future states. They should be written as if you already are the person that has done those things. This will help you develop the cognitive dissonance necessary for the true-self and ego-self to coexist.
I believe everyone should inflate their own ego. I don't think there is such a thing as having too large of an ego. That large ego simply cannot be attached to self-worth. The ego-self is a fluid mindset. If it is displaced, as soon as the disruption leaves it flows back to fill in the spot. The true-self is more of a bedrock. It hurts a lot more to have our foundation shaken, but if our foundation is based on honest reflection we can avoid most disasters before they happen. The relationship between both selves begs the question: why not you?